Hello again readers, I may start blogging more often as I am
really enjoying it. This particular entry I wanted to discuss slang, saying
things inappropriately and communication as a whole.
I used to know this guy who was an asshole and while playing
video games or discussing things that were “cool” he would frequently say “oh
it’s the BALLS.” Well, most slang that anyone uses is usually through being
around it and hearing it a lot. It’s natural. I start saying “bitch-hog” a lot
and pretty soon “bitch-hog” is added to your vocabulary as well. One day I also
called something “the balls” and my wife asked me why balls = cool and it made
me think.
If ______ is cool, why would I call it “the balls”? Balls are not cool. They are squishy, vulnerable and not sexy (to me anyway). A heterosexual female or homosexual male could call something they like “the balls”, but for me as a heterosexual male why would I? I can barely tolerate my own balls, let alone anyone else’s balls. It would be more appropriate for me to call something I like “the tits,” since I am a heterosexual and I do think those are cool.
If ______ is cool, why would I call it “the balls”? Balls are not cool. They are squishy, vulnerable and not sexy (to me anyway). A heterosexual female or homosexual male could call something they like “the balls”, but for me as a heterosexual male why would I? I can barely tolerate my own balls, let alone anyone else’s balls. It would be more appropriate for me to call something I like “the tits,” since I am a heterosexual and I do think those are cool.
I also noticed recently that I inadvertently say things that
are inappropriate to random people. For example, I called my dentist to ask if
I should go ahead and start taking my medications prior to my appointment the
following week. I explained that “I wanted to double check and make sure before
I went ahead and blew my load with them.” Now, it seems like an ordinary thing
to say in a casual conversation between friends. “Blowing your load” typically
means you just go ahead and do X, Y or even Z. My wife uses the term a lot in
casual conversation, you might say she is constantly “blowing her load.” However, it was only afterward that I put the
brakes on and realized that I had just discussed ejaculating to a strange woman
at my dentist’s office. It suddenly occurred to me that this is something I do all the time. I’m a pretty friendly guy
and I speak my mind almost always, I never noticed that what I respond with
might not be socially acceptable.
Grocery Store Employee: Hi, how are you doing today?
Me: Well, I’m not drunk yet, so okay I guess.
It also probably isn’t okay when your server at a restaurant
asks if you want something extra, say on your burger or etc, that you say no
and call whatever was offered “filth.” I don’t recall where I was, but my wife
and I were in a public place when I said perhaps a little too loudly that the
crowdedness of this establishment was like a “hogshit menagerie.” Now, I’m not
quite sure what a hogshit menagerie is,
but it sounds real bad. It’s just a naturally offensive arrangement, like “dumb-shit
asshole” or “insipid fuck-knob.”
Since getting married I’ve also become more aware of what I
say as it relates to women. For example, I used to say “don’t be a pussy” to
people, meaning I wanted them to toughen up and stop complaining. Well, it is
scientifically proven that women have a higher pain tolerance than men, so
being a proverbial “pussy” would be preferable to being a low threshold dude in
agony. (Women having a higher tolerance for pain is not God’s way of saying “it’s OK to beat them.” Just need to
clarify in case I have Christian readers.)
There’s also the issue of raised inflection toward the end
of a sentence so that everything sounds like a question. Though guilty of doing
it in the past, I find it absolutely deplorable and the practice is rampant on
college campuses.
“I didn’t bring my book today? Hopefully we’re not going
over anything in it?”
Are… are you asking me or telling me? I don’t know how to
respond when people do this. My wife even got a voicemail for a job interview
where the guy was doing it.
“We’d love for you to come in? for an interview? And I look forward to hearing from you?”
“We’d love for you to come in? for an interview? And I look forward to hearing from you?”
Okay….
Something else I have encountered a lot out here on the West
Coast is people saying “pacific” in place of “specific.” Let me give an
example.
“Well I pacifically remember it being different than what
you are saying now.”
Or
“There was a pacific thing I was interested in.”
Since these people aren’t secretly whales, I assume they
are, in fact, not discussing the Pacific Ocean. I don’t know how such a stupid
mistake got started but it is awful and makes those saying it look like total
morons.
Then there’s the power of assholes on the internet. It seems
like you can’t go an hour without someone telling you to perform some sort of
sexual act on them. Let me tell you a true story, it happened two nights ago.
My wife is sitting next to me, playing World of Warcraft,
she gets into a randomly assembled group to go do a dungeon. Upon entering the
dungeon, someone remarks “hey guys, there is a mount that drops from the last
boss in here if you didn’t know.” Harmless enough right?
“Tell us something we don’t know you fuckin idiot.”
My wife, attempting to intervene, says “maybe you’re being a
little harsh, they might be new to the game.”
“Why don’t you stfu and suck my dick!”
It then exploded into four different people telling one
another to simultaneously “stfu” while also sucking their dicks. This sort of
explosive, irrational anger is only possible thanks to the power of the
internet. Where assholes can do and say whatever they want, to whomever they
want without repercussions. Sometimes I wish I could kill people with my mind.
Then there’s stupid Facebook updates. Granted I’ve made a
few that might be irrelevant, but for the most part I am trying to keep my
family and immediate friends informed on what is going on with me. I can tell
everyone only once, without having to do it to each individual. Did Brian get
his tooth pulled? His Facebook says yes and it went fine. Easy, right? Now you
don’t have to call me and ask while I am not paying attention.
But sometimes it just goes a little too far.
“What a delicious breakfast!” (Insert picture of food.)
Here’s a newsflash, no one actually cares what you stuff down your gullet.
Unless you’re making something especially unique, amazing, or special (like
bacon waffles) it isn’t worth updating us on it. Cool story, I give not a fuck
that you had a protein shake with some cereal. “Goodnight everybody!” Wow, awesome. You’re going to sleep, again absolutely no one gives a shit. You’re just doing it in the hopes that the next day 8 people will be like “omg goodnight to you too! Sleep tight and stuff!” so you can feel special. You’re not, people go to sleep all the time and it isn’t a big deal. Just turn your computer off and go cry yourself to sleep already.
Then there’s internet smartguy who uses anecdotal evidence
and doesn’t have credible sources to back anything he espouses as truth. Let me
show you, the following is a real conversation between myself and someone else.
“I can
honestly say that the hardest thing I've ever tried to do is give up drinking
soda. The people who know me intimately are aware that I'm a terrible example
of diabetic self-care, but not taking my insulin and always drinking soda are
two different beasts. Does anyone have any advice for someone who's chronically
addicted to caffeine and has little to no willpower?”
There were some helpful responses like:
“If you just need the
caffeine and not the sugar, try black coffee.”
“When I was
looking for a healthy replacement for my speed fix I found B12. It gives the
same 'up' without the crash or negative side effects. At least as long as you
eat something first and drink a lot of water..”But then this asshole comes along:
Brian H. McLelland: Giant jugs of tea, green/chai/normal with aspartame.
Oh wait, that’s me, I meant this asshole:
Idiot Boy: aspartame is evil, man, stay
away from that stuff. It's a neurotoxin. Drink SteaZ Energy Drinks. All
natural. There's still a little sugar in it and lots of naturally occuring
caffiene and vitamins.
Who was then backed up by a
second idiot:Idiot Girl: Aspartame really is super awful. And yes, soda is fucking hard to quit...I'm always "quitting soda". Also, steaz drinks are sooooper yummy! How is cane sugar for diabetes? I tend to gravitate towards beverages that are sweetened with cane sugar and/or honey that I could recommend if those are okay for you to ingest.
Okay, first of all, sugar, whether cane, raw or even honey are all the same. You don’t suggest “all natural cane sugar” to a diabetic, you might as well tell them to drink a jar of high fructose corn syrup. Fucking moron. But I couldn’t let this stand.
Brian H. McLelland: Aspartame is one of the most tested products EVER. It is perfectly safe for consumption. Do not believe the myths espoused by the scientifically ignorant.
Brian H. McLelland: My mother in law is a diabetic, diet sodas sweetened with aspartame or tea with aspartame are perfectly fine to drink with little to no negative impacts on blood sugars.
Also: http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/aspartame.asp
snopes.com: Aspartame -- Sweet Poison?
Is aspartame responsible for 'an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and lupus'?
See that? SNOPES, they debunk
shit for a LIVING, I’m not talking out of my ass, I have CREDIBLE SOURCES ON MY
SIDE.
Brian H. McLelland: Beliefs are not science. Instead of saying that you, personally, do not like aspartame, you offered your erroneous “opinion” as a scientific fact when you stated that it is a neurotoxin. I am not saying that you, personally, are ignorant. You are simply repeating information that is incorrect. Not quite so different from people insisting 20 years ago that Mountain Dew is somehow derived from anti-freeze. The information on offer from you is simply false.
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0955286394900329
See that? That’s an article from the Journal of Nutritional Biochemistry explaining how aspartame has zero effect on neurological function!
Idiot Boy: (Picture that says “you’re going to have a bad time if you believe everything you read on the internet.”)
Brian H. McLelland: Yes, because the Journal of Nutritional Biochemistry is some quack on an Angelfire free webpage making things up.
"Oh god, logic and reason, quick, resort to internet memes!"
Idiot Boy: I sure hope ___ is getting a kick out of all this, because I'm having a great time. P.S.: An opinion can not be erroneous. That's why it's called an opinion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opinion
Opinion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org
Hey look, the moron caught on and finally understands you can’t offer your dumbshit asshole opinion as fact without backing it up.
Brian H. McLelland: Debating semantics fails to change the fact that your statement was incorrect, nor does it lend credence to your argument. Please return with something more substantial than anecdotal evidence or internet memes. Also, your comment that "There is a REASON there are so many sites up in arms about it."
Just because many people believe something does not, in any universe, make it true. In order to facilitate evidence to this point I offer EVERY RELIGION IN THE WORLD.
This is my favorite part, where the person, at a loss to defend their stupidness attempts to reach a common ground.
Yes, he just equated aspartame to being a mystery of the
universe. If the world were run by assholes like this, every bit of anecdotal
evidence would be on offer as true. Which means no one could have aspartame
because one moron in Florida “had a bad reaction to it!”
I guess I fall into the category of being an asshole on the internet, but I like rhetoric and I love arguing. It's why I've become so fond of Cicero, because he loved that shit too.
(Cicero)
So , if there is one thing you take away from this article it should be that you should never believe anything someone has to tell you without checking their source.
“Aspartame is a neurotoxin!”
“Organic food tastes better and is better for you! And it’s
better for the environment!”
“I believe it therefore you HAVE to respect my beliefs even
if they are wrong!”
All these statements are false. Keep your eyes open, the
truth is out there.
Next week: SCIENCE!
