This summer saw the release of two really good R rated films
in Prometheus and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, both are excellent movies but
what was surprising was what made them be R rated to begin with. Prometheus
featured no sex, no foul language, not even excessive gore, it was rated R
based upon one scene where the female heroine undergoes self surgery. It is
brutal to watch to be sure, but is it any more brutal than what Hugh Jackman
endures in the Wolverine film of a few years ago that netted a PG-13? On a
brief side rant, the female heroine of Prometheus undergoing a surgery and then
going on to do a lot of other shit is something I found incredibly compelling.
In a world full of movies where men do all sorts of crazy shit to themselves
and then “tough it out” this was a refreshing change, shame on anyone who
complained that it was unbelievable for being a woman doing the same thing.
Anyhow, another example is that the first Lord of the Rings
film, Fellowship of the Ring, upon first screening was rated R! However, after
some editing it came down to PG-13, but when Jackson released his Extended
Edition, which was in fact the R rated cut of the film, it was still PG-13.
Hm, it’s almost like insane amounts of money can sway any decision.
Then a few years ago Spielberg “stepped in” to make sure
Transformers got a PG-13 instead of an R according to this article: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1648436/labeouf_says_mpaa_not_the_boss_of_spielberg_andquottransformersandquot_avoids_r_rating/
But what is so bad about R ratings? I am an adult and I like
adult entertainment. Aside from shitty reality TV shows what are some of the
most popular shows that you and your adult friends discuss? Well, let’s see:
Dexter, Games of Thrones, True Blood, The Borgias, Spartacus, The Wire,
Boardwalk Empire, Weeds, Sopranos, etc. Plenty of premium channel shows that
feature plenty of sex, violence and vulgarity.
The MPAA morons and movie studios have come to believe that
PG-13 means instant success just because dipshit teenagers can get into the
films, but consider now this list of fucking AWESOME films that were rated R
that we’re all still talking about and watching AND all made retard strength amounts
of money:
The Matrix (Fucking ALL of them)
Saving Private Ryan
300
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Slumdog Millionare (Won tons of awards)
The Rock
Troy
The Godfather Trilogy
Blair Witch Project (I know, right? YOU SEE NOTHING.)
American Beauty
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Pulp Fiction
The list goes on and on and can is available for your
viewing pleasure right here: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/alltime/domestic/mpaa.htm?page=R&p=.htm
Look at the Die Hard films, the first, second and third
films were all Rated R and totally awesome. The last one was PG-13 and fucking
terrible. I could link some relevant information right here to backup my
argument that shows how the first three films earned more money and received
higher critic reviews but if you’ve seen the films you already know this shit.
So instead I’ll show you this youtube video of random Die Hard bits that
someone edited together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVaAI9mc4R8
This is still back in the day where you could fucking smoke
the bad guy and laugh about it.
Sure, PG and PG-13 still has its place, there are plenty of
good PG-13 movies with oddly R rated material in them (Milla Jovovich’s bare
“breasts” in The Fifth Element for example). (You know why “breasts” is in
quotations, don’t lie.) Titanic comes to mind as well, not only do you see Kate Winslet nude but Billy Zane also slaps the taste out of her mouth.
But, turn your volume up and check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmLP0QQPqFw
The best part is where Bruce mouth-hugs Quint so hard you
hear his bones crack and blood comes gurgling out of his mouth. Jaws was and still is rated PG. It’s
broadcasted almost every single fucking holiday in the US on television, which is
why when I think back to holidays spent with my family I usually think of
eating Thanksgiving dinner or Fourth of July hot dogs while Quint gets fucking
eaten alive and Bruce devours people. "Remember that Labor Day weekend that we went and ______?" Nope! But I can sing all the words to "Show Me The Way To Go Home" and I can tell you that we're going to need a bigger boat.
On a side note, you know you’re part of
the Jaws Generation when the thought of being in the ocean in the water makes
you want to throw up. Not sure if you are part of the Jaws Generation that has
an illogically debilitating fear of sharks? Go swim in a pool at night with the
lights in the pool off and let me know if you’re totally fine doing that. If
not, you probably saw Jaws as a kid.
Also, when I went to look up the scene of Quint I stumbled
over this youtube gem that someone decided to make that is nearly as obscure as
the Total Recall/David Bowie video of last week.
Some dude was listening to his shitty metal band and
browsing his DVDs when suddenly it hit him: “Holy shit bro, as soon as I finish
this Modern Warfare map I’m going to edit in some metal over Quint getting
eaten in Jaws. That scene is so extreme I’m popping a Broner™ in my pants right
now, after I make the video I’ll have to fistbump my Broner™ over how sweet this
shit is.”
Well, that’s what I got for this week folks, see
you next week when I discuss something interesting.
