It finally happened. I woke up old. Enough time has passed
in my life that I can say things like “15 years ago they’d never put this in a
movie!” and “Movies just aren’t what they used to be." I can say things like
that about virtually anything, but today I want to talk to you about movies and
a few things I’ve noticed.
Let me set the scene for this revelation. There I am,
relaxing on my bed with my wife and my dog, a few days prior while browsing
recently released movies on Xbox we saw the Total Recall remake had just come
out. Christiana (my wife) was unsure if she had seen the original or not. Even
after pantomiming the guy’s gross mutant chest baby with its icky articulate
hands going “Quaaaaaaid, open your miiiiiiind!” it still wasn’t ringing any
bells. So we got it and fired it up. It was during this film that it really
struck me how much movies have changed since I was a kid.
First of all, it was released in 1990 and was directed by
Paul Verhoeven and stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone and Michael
Ironside. Verhoeven went on to do the
B-Movie masterpiece that is Starship Troopers, Stone went on to expose her vulva
to millions of moviegoers, Schwarzenegger became a governor and Ironside was
the 2nd best Captain of the Seaquest for a few seasons before he
became Sam Fisher in the Splinter Cell series.
Now, 1990 doesn’t seem THAT long ago, to me anyway but like
I said at the start I am old now. A few scenes stand out because of how
outlandish they seem to me now. First off, the film is rated R. This was back in
the day when R rated films actually came out in theaters without a ton of
complaints from the movie studio. The reason for this R rating is a scene
featuring a mutant prostitute with three breasts, lots of violence, and lots of
profanity. And I don’t mean the villain or supporting cast kind. I mean the
protagonist of the film responds to snarky comments from the film’s arch
villain by saying “fuck you.” Those were the days.
There are obvious things wrong with the film, cheesy
acting, bad fight scenes and the like, but what really grabbed me was a scene
in which Sharon Stone’s character, who was pretending to be Quaid’s
(Schwarzenegger) wife confronts him on Mars. She is an evil bitch now and after
Quaid’s new girl pulls her hair and throws her around a bunch, she finds
herself staring down the barrel of Quaid’s crappy looking futuristic pistol.
She makes one last appeal to his sensibilities before the hero of the film executes an unarmed and defeated woman. Wait,
it gets better.
See, this was back in the day when movie protagonists were
dicks and everybody loved it. After executing his wife he quips “consider this
a divorce!” Audiences in 1990 might have chuckled, cried or pissed their pants
from that knee slapper, but nowadays killing your wife in a movie seems to be a
really, really bad thing. It got me thinking, when was the last time I saw a guy shoot his wife in a movie and it was
a good thing? I can’t really recall.
(GET IT? I CAN’T RECALL.)
But it isn’t just this isolated case, there is an overtly
racist black cab driver that turns out to be A. an asshole, B. a lying traitor
and C. a mutant. All of these things in one black character are a little much,
but he gets his when Quaid drives a futuristic drill into him while screaming “screw
you!” Puns! Heyoo!
This was also the time when villains weren’t just villains,
but they were total assholes that had to suffer and the audience wanted to see
it happen. Throughout the film Michael Ironside is running around being his
usual bad ass self and doing awesome things like casually strolling up and
kneeing people over while they are checking the welfare of others. (I couldn’t
find a clip of this scene on youtube but I assure you, it is worth watching the
film for.) Later, Ironside’s character, Richter, and his boss are rubbing it in
Quaid’s face about how they are going to wipe his mind and turn him back into a
bad dude so they can have a party later that night where they don’t have sex
with Sharon Stone. (Apparently someone shot her in the head or something.) Just wait, this is relevant in a second. So he
breaks free and sets off to do some heroic shit that Cohagen, Ironside’s boss
and main villain, doesn’t want him to do. Ironside and Arnold have a fight on
an elevator, after a little tumbling around Ironside ends up dangling over the
side. But our hero notices that there is a ceiling approaching and pulls
Ironside back up onto the elevator just enough for his arms to be cut off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URucvvcuItE
(Skip to 2:30)
After having his arms severed he presumably falls to a
gruesome death. Arnold throws his arms after him and yells “See you at the
party, Richter!” Comedy gold, right?
Some other stuff happens and then the main villain of the
film is hanging on for his life, after getting shot 5-6 times, because he doesn’t
want to be sucked out on to the surface of Mars. You see, when you end up on
the surface of Mars your face bulges and your eyes pop out of your head, it’s
horrible to watch and I’d imagine pretty shitty to go through. So Quaid, our
asshole hero, is also trying to avoid
eyeball sucking out is pulling himself along to reach the final alien
contraption that saves the day... but not before he makes a brief stop to grab
Cohagen’s hand and pull it off the perch he had found so that he gets sucked
out. The camera follows Cohagen’s journey down a tunnel and out onto the
surface of Mars where we get to watch his eyes begin to bulge. The action goes
back to Arnold, reaching and straining for the iconic THING that will save everyone, almost there… yay he reached it! The
machine rumbles to life and the process of saving everyone begins very slowly,
but wait… remember that asshole villain? Let’s see how he is fairing. Yes, the
film cuts BACK to Cohagen getting his eyes sucked out, he is looking worse now
and screaming a whole bunch. It’s pretty awesome. Then it goes back to show the
oxygen being released that will save everyone, but oh no, Quaid and his
accomplice-mistress get sucked out too. We see them falling onto the surface
and oh no, eye bulging and sucking time for them!
But first, let’s just check in one final time with Cohagen,
in case you forgot, he’s an asshole that got shot and then thrown to one of the
worst possible deaths anyone could have in a movie about space.
For reference, here is a clip of the scene from someone who
found it funny to dub in David Bowie’s “Life on Mars.” Hilarious… I guess. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9aggVa_Js8
His eyes full on explode out of his head and all sorts of
over the top details are thrown in. Nowadays, most of the time when the villain
is about to die gruesome death #593 the hero will either A. try to save them or
B. look away disgusted. You know what I am talking about; the villain is
screaming bloody murder and the hero turns away repulsed. “ugh god, I can’t
watch this, it’s SO icky, ugh jesus…. Hngh…. Hngh…. Hngh…” (Hngh is the
international spelling for “dry heave.”)
I don’t mean to pick on Total Recall so much; I like the
movie despite all the stupid things in it. (Like the scene where Ironside jumps
out of a glass window that is approximately one foot from a swinging door.)
But it brings me to another point, movie ratings! First of
all, well, perhaps that is enough for this week’s blog. Next week I’ll tackle
movie ratings and go over some that just might shock you. See you then!
