Ex-Girlfriends

Ex-girlfriends. We all have them, but some are crazier than others. This week I’m going to recount the tale of two especially crazy ones from my past. The reason I do this is that you can’t make shit up this good. I also don’t know why I ever put up with this, but I did. The following is based on 100% authentic and true events. Names have been changed to protect those that are crazier than a shithouse rat.

First off, there was “Tandi.” She believed that everytime you said the word “faggot” or used “gay” in a derogatory manner that somewhere, a gay person would feel it and be ashamed of being gay and/or a hate crime would happen.

She insisted that supporting Microsoft was wrong because Bill Gates uses the money to support anti-gay agendas and that is why she only buys Apple products since Steve Jobs is a closet homosexual who doesn’t come out because Apple stocks would drop.

She also recounted the tales of how she used to be a heroin addict, was once molested by the cops, kicked her drug habit, relapsed and sold her mother’s wedding ring, and then got clean again. All before the age of 17 while living in a miniscule tiny town in backwoods Utah. She also claimed relation to Steve Martin.

"I LOVE heroin!"

After our relationship ended she told me that she had a brain tumor and that she would likely die within 12 months. Obviously, that never happened.

Then there was “Tara.” The first warning sign to me was the day we were chatting on the phone, I was playing Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver and pretending to listen as she blathered on about being bipolar.  This was pretty much the norm. “Vampires, metal, blood, blahblahblahblahblah.” While I beat Soul Reaver again.

Until the fateful night that she calmly explained to me, in that glossy-eyed lunatic voice where you know the person believes it, that at birth her FANGS were filed down. Furthermore, that it is a common practice for doctor’s to file down excessively large canines on babies. She went on to explain that when she drinks blood, her own being the only source available, she feels healthier and more revitalized.

Okay, whatever. I’ll roll with this. Dating someone crazy makes it wild and exciting or something I guess. So, I’ll continue to put up with this and let her be my special lady. My special crazy lady.

Not long after the “I’m a vampire” plot twist, the other shoe dropped. Once again, the authentic “I believe every word of this” voice came out of her fangless hole to tell me that she could make it rain whenever she wanted it to. Seriously. She said that the weather reflected her mood, when she was happy it was cloudy out (vampires hate the sun, dummy), and when upset it rained. If she felt like rain she just concentrated and it happened.  Why she wasn’t working as a meteorologist, the world may never know.

I worked hard on this image.

How was this amazing feat possible? Are these new and unknown vampire powers even gayer than anything Stephanie Meyer could create? Don’t be absurd. Obviously, she’s part fairy. (I’d like to remind you that this took place before the rise of True Blood.) You see, fairies, or fae people, live amongst us like normal people now, but their bloodline sometimes causes certain powers to manifest. Her parents were good at predicting things, but Tara was able to alter the weather as well as read minds. Amazingly, as she told me this she said “I know that you’re thinking I’m crazy right now.” Astonishing! How could she possibly even know that unless it was true?

I asked the obvious question anyone else would when confronted by this situation.

“Does being a vampire conflict with your fairy instincts?”

She explained that the thirst for blood is really just a thirst for LIFE, which is what fairies love anyway. Nature and life and shit.

Shortly after, I calmly explained to her in my “I believe this” voice that we weren’t meant for each other. “Things aren’t working out between us, you’re obviously crazy and I’m pretty much not so I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

That’s it for this week, short and sweet. Next week’s blog is about children (not in a gross way)!

Literature, Twilight and Loving Books

I’ve come to the realization that my life will never be fulfilled so long as I have not published a book. I think about it everyday. Walking into a bookstore and seeing it there. To be a producer of the magical tomes of entertainment and wisdom that have filled my life with joy since I was a kid.

When I was six years old my teachers told my mother that I was retarded (Okay, not REALLY, but they said I had difficulty reading), little did they know I’d read the newspaper at home and beg to stay up late, not to watch TV or play with toys, but to read books.

It started with shark books, dinosaur books, and my late father’s collection of National Geographic magazines. I can still recall him reading to me from a book of legends and unexplained phenomena. Ghosts, Spring-Heeled Jack, UFOs. It gave me nightmares and I loved it. It eventually progressed to the world of fiction. I would sit with my mom and watch the Stephen King made for TV movies on ABC. Tommyknockers, The Stand, IT, The Langoliers. All of’em. (Yes IT traumatized me, all clowns must die and cannot be trusted. Also, don’t walk anywhere near a storm drain.) I loved them so much that at about ten or so my mother signed me up for the Stephen King book club. I tried to read the first book that arrived, the massive Insomnia, but I was 10 and it was a bit much for me. I did pick up and do well with Nightmares & Dreamscapes, a collection of short stories, which is easily the genre King excels at.

Fast forward a year or two and my sister’s boyfriend lets me play DOOM on his computer. It blew me away, I got DOOM for my Playstation not long after and devoured it. I played it over and over again while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and White Zombie in my room. It also prompted me to buy two DOOM novels based on the game, these I devoured in about a week, but in them one of the characters mentioned that the monsters, demons, and the entire situation that was happening was something out of a Lovecraft novel. Lovecraft, huh? I shall have to investigate this name. My mom purchased for me a Lovecraft collection and I was ruined. It floored me.

Over the years since then I read anything I ever wanted to, nothing was ever taboo or off limits. My southern mother’s love of books was passed on to me, along with her progressive open mindedness. I was allowed to read anything I wanted. From the books of “The Great Beast” Aleister Crowley to The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey, nothing was off limits.

It’s for this reason that I can usually appreciate something about nearly everything, but my standards for what is “literature” are a little bit high, biased and convoluted. Basically, I’ve become a jaded book snob. A semester ago on the first day of class we were asked to give our name and list our favorite book or books. A lot of Twilight and Harry Potter answers. Some of the guys answered with things like graphic novels, Watchmen, 300 and the like. I was the first, in my opinion anyway, to answer with actual literature when I said Lovecraft, Homer, and Melville.

My personal definition of literature works like this: it needs to be a text that is prolific enough in scope that the ideas embedded in the story allow it to be timeless.

Basically it works like this:

This is fucking awful.

This is not literature. In fifty years, I sincerely hope no one is reading this fucking garbage. The late Peter Steele of Type O Negative once said that “functionless art is simply tolerated vandalism.” I agree completely. What is the function of Twilight? What does it accomplish? What is the message it conveys?

 Does it teach young women to fight for what they want? Well, no. Does it teach men that if they want something they should fight for it? Well, no not that either. So, what the hell is the moral of this story? If you meet a vampire let him put his sparkly weiner in you, it’ll be great?

Something else that always bugged me about the story is this, Bella is a teenage girl and this Edward vampire kid is over a hundred years old, they both look around the same age, physically. But mentally he is much older than her, he’s had plenty of time to read all the classics, visit every major museum, learn every language, study countless fields of science… why in the fuck would he have ANYTHING in common with or be able to talk about with a teenage girl? Teenagers aren’t deep, they’re retards. I’m almost thirty and if I had to carry on a conversation with a teenage girl for an hour I probably couldn’t do it. I can barely tolerate and get along with college kids in their early twenties. I can barely tolerate and get along with anyone. Let alone some expressionless mopey girl in the backwoods of Washington.


I won’t pick on Harry Potter too much, because it does actually bestow concepts like perseverance through adversity, courage and things like that. However, I do get annoyed when people act like J. K. Rowling is the greatest author in the world.

 “Hogwarts! Totally original!”

Remember this guy? That's Hoggle. Back in 1986 a young Jennifer Connolly kept bungling his name. You just got it didn’t you? You remember when she called him Hogwart? Yeah, I know.

Then there’s the name for the spells… first of all, Tolkien invented A NEW LANGUAGE for his books. Rowling’s spells are mostly Latin and Greek words cobbled together that just so happen to mean exactly what the spell does. Let me show you how it works, I’m going to make up a spell right now.

Ignarussygkrafeas! I have cast the spell of “ignorant author” on J. K. Rowling. It took me two minutes to assemble that spell.

Now, I’m not entirely innocent of this practice, I’m writing a fantasy/fairytale style novel and coming up with names is difficult. Half the time I want to delete everything I’ve just written because I think it is stupid, we use what we know.

Literature should be thought provoking. It should teach you something, or at least get you to think about things in ways you never have before. Melville can give you a greater appreciation for life at sea and travelling abroad. Lovecraft can redefine what horror is and can be. And Star Wars novels, well you see they uh… increase your power in the Force. Knowledge is power. Yeah.

Darth Bane taught me that “Honor is a fool’s prize.”



That’s it for this week kids, see you next week when I enthrall you with the ghastly tales of… MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS. (Spoiler: I dated a vampire fairy once.) See you then.

Science, GMOs and Why You Should Love It

While I primarily work with rhetoric and words, I have a deep seated appreciation for science. Let me tell you why you should too.

First of all, science doesn’t require a leap of faith. Computers, medicine, astrophysics; they aren’t magic; they’re just science at work. Some fields may seem like they require faith because the concepts contained in them are so vast and involved, but that simply isn’t the case. Critics of science usually say that astrophysics and other hard sciences require a leap of faith because they (the critics) don’t understand it. Well, of course not! To reach that level it’s like building a skyscraper. You have to clear the ground and lay a foundation (basic math), from there you have to put in support beams (algebra), then you can start adding layers (physics, calculus, etc.). Without this foundation to stand on of course everything seems like magic. This is simply someone mistaking their own ignorance of a subject for that subject being beyond understanding.

It still amazes me that science has so many critics and idiots in opposition to it. People who plug their Facebook page with anti-science sentiments while using a computer and being alive probably due to advancements in medicine prior to their birth.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science." -Charles Darwin

In science, if a theory is proven to be wrong, it is discarded. No crying, no feet stomping, no separate sects forming, no reformations, just throw it out. It’s useless to the advancement of science from then on out. It is this willingness to throw out incorrect information that makes science so amazing.

I wish that more people thought like scientists. Where beliefs and incorrect information, no matter how sacred, are discarded without tears or tantrum in favor of demonstrable, repeatable, fact based evidence that may be contrary to what we already know.

Instead we have assholes that fight against science without pausing to consider the ramifications of their fight. This leads to people fighting against Aspartame, GMO crops, and things that are “unnatural.”
The latest trend is “if you read the label and you can’t pronounce it or spell it, don’t eat it!”

Okay, well let’s test that theory. Here are some ingredients: Thiamine, Fructose, Cellulose, Riboflavin, Niacin, Pantothenic acid, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium, and Zinc.
Some of these words aren’t very common, anti-science food weirdoes probably wouldn’t eat this product.
What is this insidious and evil product?

Yeah, I know.

Then comes the fight against GMO products. GMO stands for Genetically Modified Organism which sounds scary, but sorry, science is direct and to the point, it doesn’t care if terms sound scary to you or not. They attempt to describe quickly and accurately. Would we be having this problem if they were called GPO’s (Genetically Purified Organisms)? No, that sounds like apples made by Hitler.

Basically, a GMO is… well, pretty much everything. Like bananas? Cool, me too. We’ve been eating the same cloned species of banana for about seventy years, which is itself a descendant of the first domesticated (modified) varieties from about ten thousand years ago. Prior to that there were roughly two different species of bananas domesticated, grown and sold in stores. But disease rampaged one but did not affect the other. Therefore, we have only the one species now. Resistant to disease, huh? Sounds UNNATURAL.

Genetic modification works by either selecting specific genes in an organism to present more strongly, or, more commonly, by artificial selection. Despite what Greenpeace and other whack jobs want you to believe, THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO ANIMAL GENES TRANSPLANTED INTO FRUIT, GRAIN OR VEGETABLES. It simply doesn’t happen. Terms like “Franken food” are misleading and stupid. Here’s how it works, let’s do some roleplaying.

Hi, I’m an (evil) scientist, specifically a microbiologist. Greenpeace and assorted food idiots hate my guts and compare me to Dr. Frankenstein (who is also a pretty good guy but that is another blog). Well, I recently heard that in third world countries there are people STARVING TO DEATH. I will go and help them using the power of SCIENCE!

I notice that the locals’ wheat isn’t producing enough food for people to eat. Well, what if we speed up breeding by using the two growing seasons available in this country? During summer, we’ll breed in the highlands, like what was being done before, but then we’ll take the needs north to a valley with different altitudes and temperatures. Eureka! More crops every year and more food for starving people!

But wait, only the best seeds were selected to be moved from one location to another, and in a short time they started developing resistances to photoperiodism, which is a natural reaction of organisms to day/night cycle changes. This meant that the wheat could now be grown in both regions, nearly all year.

I have created a GMO wheat crop that is saving people’s lives!
“You monster! You’re creating Franken food! They’re KILLING Mother Earth and altering our food!”

But I saved a lot of people from starvation and now we have MORE food for people to eat! I’ll take my techniques and my research and travel to another third world country where people are starving to death. I’ll bet I can help them with science also!
“Evil!”
After many years I have improved wheat and rice strains so that they are resistant to disease, weather, and other conditions. I am awarded a Nobel peace prize for my work and it is estimated that I have saved over a BILLION people.

But now this has happened…

People in countries that don’t have problems relating to starvation are trying to undo my life’s work trying to save people.

Pretty compelling story, isn’t it? Well, it’s a true story. The man that I “role-played” for you there is Norman Borlaug. He has saved over a billion lives by using artificial selection and other techniques to make crops more resistant while yielding more food for people to eat. He dedicated his life to try to feed the entire world through science and now, every day, Greenpeace and other morons disrespect him and his work by protesting GMO food. Remember the part where he immediately transplanted the seeds? There was a scientific theory in place that proclaimed you couldn’t do that, they needed a ‘rest’ period before being planted. When Borlaug’s boss upheld this theory he resigned. The dispute was eventually settled and Borlaug was proven correct. This incorrect theory? Discarded. I could tell you its name, but it doesn’t really matter now, does it?

But what about the health risks of GMO foods?

Well, nothing. GMO food products are some of the most tested products on the market and are still stamped safe to eat by the EPA and FDA.

If it’s GMO, astrophysics or evolution, science is working towards a brighter future. I could write a ten thousand word blog entry on science explaining to you everything it has already done for it and has the potential to do for us, but I think it’s time you discovered some of this for yourself.

Next time you sit down to eat breakfast, pop open your phone, tablet, laptop or whatever. Go to a search engine and type in the name of something you’re eating. Ham and onion omelet? Look up onions. They help prevent cancer cell growth. Using artificial selection, we could selectively breed a crop of onions that were extremely effective at inhibiting cancer cell growth. See where this is going? Science allows us to know these things, more importantly, science allows us to do these things.

Science doesn’t ask for your faith, it’s true if you believe it or not.
Please, watch the video below and I will see you here next week.

For more awesome science information, you can purchase books by or watch documentaries featuring the following:

Norman Borlaug, Carl Sagan, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Isaac Newton, Brian Cox, Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin, Marie Curie, Louis Pasteur, Albert Einstein… I could go on, but start there.

The Best Music You've Never Heard (Part 1)

I love music. Ask anyone who knows me. I love all kinds of music. I also love exposing people to music that maybe they’ve never heard before. So I decided to write up a short list of artists that I think more people should listen to. I consider everyone on this list to be talented, enjoyable and worthy of listening to.


Carbon Based Lifeforms

Regardless of your musical tastes, you’ll probably like CBL. Their music is classified as Ambient, but is a little more complicated than that. Some tracks feature thumping tribal beats with sweeping electronic arrangements over the top of that. It is the perfect music to relax to, read to, write to, pretty much anything. It’s fantastic as background music, foreground music, again, pretty much anything. Here’s a sampling of tracks that I feel represent their sound the best, as an added bonus the videos are extremely enjoyable.

World of Sleepers

MOS 6581

 

Photosynthesis

 

Arecibo

Official Website: http://carbonbasedlifeforms.net/

Similar Artists: Sync 24, Aes Dana, HUVA Network, Solar Fields, Cell, Asura, Human Blue

Stendeck

Stendeck is a mixture of ambient and noise. While also relaxing, it strays into territories that Carbon Based Lifeforms doesn’t go. Stendeck carefully blends static with engaging bass lines and droning undercurrents to create something pretty unique.

Catch The Midnight Girl

Like Falling Crystals

 

Waiting For A New Day

Official Site: http://stendeck.com/

Similar Artists: Ginormous, Ab Ovo, Ah Cama-Sotz, Flint Glass

Alestorm
I don’t care if you like metal or not, if you like pirates (who doesn’t?) then you owe it to yourself to listen to Alestorm. Go ahead and get over the fact that yes, they dress like pirates, sing songs about pirates, and perhaps have silly videos. Now that those are out of the way, take a good listen. There is an extremely talented and entertaining band lurking here. Blending several different genres of metal into one and making it extremely accessible isn’t easy, but Alestorm prevails! The music is fun with lyrics that you’ll be singing along to by the third listen even if you’ve taken a broadside of rum to the belly. (As an added bonus, they’re also Scottish, which increases their awesomeness by 11)

Shipwrecked

Keelhauled

 

Captain Morgan’s Revenge

That Famous Ol’ Spiced

Official Site: http://www.alestorm.net/

Similar Artists: Uhh…..? Gloryhammer features Chris Bowes, the maniac on keyboards that sings the songs. His other band is coming soon and is described as “Heroic Fantasy Power Metal.”

Pig
Before Trent Reznor was making Industrial music accessible to a broader audience, there was Raymond Watts. Raymond is an unsung Industrial pioneer, his music is really damn good and he’s been making it for nearly thirty years. When he wasn’t working on his own stuff as Pig, he was co-founding KMFDM and appeared on some of their (in my opinion) best albums such as Nihil and Anger. If you like Nine Inch Nails, KMFDM or Marilyn Manson, you need to hear Raymond Watts’ work. His music isn’t too harsh for non-Industrial music fans and he has one of the best singing voices in music. He also doesn’t care about genre as he has been known to dive into merengue and other styles.

Flesh Fest

 

The Only Good One’s A Dead One

God Rod

Hello Hooray (Alice Cooper cover)

Official Website: http://theswining.com/

Similar Artists: KMFDM, Schaft, Cubanate, Schwein, Slick Idiot, MDFMK, Hellbent, Foetus

Puscifer
You’ve probably heard of Maynard James Keenan, lead singer for Tool and A Perfect Circle. Things have been quiet on the Tool/APC fronts while MJK has been making wine and music as Puscifer. The band started out as a joke when they appeared many years ago on HBO’s Mr. Show. A mock interview featured Maynard muttering about something with the name “Puscifer” emblazoned below them. Fast forward a few years and Puscifer has a couple of albums out, really damn good ones. Albums that completely ignore the concept of “genre” as each track shifts seamlessly from style to style. For my money, Puscifer is better than both Tool and A Perfect Circle.

Man Overboard

Telling Ghosts

Momma Sed

Potions (Deliverance Mix) (Co-written by Trent Reznor)

Official Website: https://puscifer.com/

Similar Artists: Tool, A Perfect Circle, Nine Inch Nails, Carina Round

Negative Format
Negative Format is one of those artists that walks the line between genres and ends up falling through and never getting the recognition they deserve. Alex Matheu is easily one of the most talented artists to ever work in the scene. His music is a progressive blend of synthpop, EBM and trance that is extremely accessible and very, very good. Slow builds lead to fantastic climaxes and sweeping arrangements carry the flow of the entire song from point A to point B without realizing you left A. When he isn’t making really damn good music as Negative Format, Lexsine or The Parallel Project, Alex is hard at work making bad ass iPhone and iPad apps such as Glitchbreaks, which allows you to make music from your phone. You can check out his apps here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/glitchbreaks/id520451538?ls=1&mt=8

Echo Chamber

Hues of Grey

Translucent

Deleted Scenes featuring Mark Jackson (VNV Nation) by The Parallel Project

Official Website: http://negativeformat.com/

Similar Artists: The Parallel Project, Lexsine, VNV Nation, Haujobb, Covenant.

Faderhead
A fairly new arrival on the EBM scene, Faderhead is yet another artist that really doesn’t care about changing genres from song to song. Faderhead is very in your face and not for the faint of heart. From stomping EBM to dance tracks comfortable in just about any kind of club, Faderhead is really damn good.

Dirtygrrrls/Dirtybois Featuring Ultimate MC

The Way to Fuck God

Horizon Born

Sexyback (Justin Timberlake cover)

Official Website: http://www.faderhead.com/

Similar Artists: Combichrist, Eisenfunk, Caustic, Haujobb

Hopefully you have some new music to listen to, if not, I hope you were at least entertained.

ShiTexting

So, my friend Joe and I got into this habit of texting each other about our bowel movements. The simple goal of this endeavour is just to make each other laugh by describing our "duties" in amusing and outlandish ways. Below I offer you a sample of some:

"I just gave birth to Shaloob, The Great Worm (from Frank Hebert's Dune). I'm sure there a bunch of guys chasing it through the sewer right now trying to throw hooks in its back so they can ride it."

"I need to call Jeremy Wade for a special edition of River Monsters, I just let loose a Giant Mud Eel that he needs to catch, it is a record breaker. They can call it Toilet Monsters."

"Shore up that anal wall! We be taking on the stink water!"

"Someone spilled a glass of Nestle Quik in here!"

"I think I have a Starbucks in my intestines and the Mocha Frapachino Machine is busted and spewing all over the place."

"I think my Fecal Artery is pierced... it just isn't stopping."

"It's like someone emptied a jar of grape jelly up my ass in my sleep and it is working it's way back out now."

"It looks like someone stole all of Bob Ross' paints and he only had various shades of brown to work with on this canvas."

"I was like Hercules a second ago trying to hulk up on this brown hydra, but everytime I tore one of its heads off it grew two more."

"You mean you've never heard of the Brownlinnium Falcon? It made the Toilet Bowl run in under 2.3 parsecs!"

"I think a Brown Delorian just came out of me going 88 mph, it probably traveled back in time and is back inside my intestines already!"


That is all I can think of for now, enjoy.

Communication and the Internet

Hello again readers, I may start blogging more often as I am really enjoying it. This particular entry I wanted to discuss slang, saying things inappropriately and communication as a whole.

I used to know this guy who was an asshole and while playing video games or discussing things that were “cool” he would frequently say “oh it’s the BALLS.” Well, most slang that anyone uses is usually through being around it and hearing it a lot. It’s natural. I start saying “bitch-hog” a lot and pretty soon “bitch-hog” is added to your vocabulary as well. One day I also called something “the balls” and my wife asked me why balls = cool and it made me think.
If ______ is cool, why would I call it “the balls”? Balls are not cool. They are squishy, vulnerable and not sexy (to me anyway). A heterosexual female or homosexual male could call something they like “the balls”, but for me as a heterosexual male why would I? I can barely tolerate my own balls, let alone anyone else’s balls. It would be more appropriate for me to call something I like “the tits,” since I am a heterosexual and I do think those are cool.

I also noticed recently that I inadvertently say things that are inappropriate to random people. For example, I called my dentist to ask if I should go ahead and start taking my medications prior to my appointment the following week. I explained that “I wanted to double check and make sure before I went ahead and blew my load with them.” Now, it seems like an ordinary thing to say in a casual conversation between friends. “Blowing your load” typically means you just go ahead and do X, Y or even Z. My wife uses the term a lot in casual conversation, you might say she is constantly “blowing her load.”  However, it was only afterward that I put the brakes on and realized that I had just discussed ejaculating to a strange woman at my dentist’s office. It suddenly occurred to me that this is something I do all the time. I’m a pretty friendly guy and I speak my mind almost always, I never noticed that what I respond with might not be socially acceptable.

Grocery Store Employee: Hi, how are you doing today?

Me: Well, I’m not drunk yet, so okay I guess.

It also probably isn’t okay when your server at a restaurant asks if you want something extra, say on your burger or etc, that you say no and call whatever was offered “filth.” I don’t recall where I was, but my wife and I were in a public place when I said perhaps a little too loudly that the crowdedness of this establishment was like a “hogshit menagerie.” Now, I’m not quite sure what a hogshit menagerie is, but it sounds real bad. It’s just a naturally offensive arrangement, like “dumb-shit asshole” or “insipid fuck-knob.”

Since getting married I’ve also become more aware of what I say as it relates to women. For example, I used to say “don’t be a pussy” to people, meaning I wanted them to toughen up and stop complaining. Well, it is scientifically proven that women have a higher pain tolerance than men, so being a proverbial “pussy” would be preferable to being a low threshold dude in agony. (Women having a higher tolerance for pain is not God’s way of saying “it’s OK to beat them.” Just need to clarify in case I have Christian readers.)

There’s also the issue of raised inflection toward the end of a sentence so that everything sounds like a question. Though guilty of doing it in the past, I find it absolutely deplorable and the practice is rampant on college campuses.

“I didn’t bring my book today? Hopefully we’re not going over anything in it?”

Are… are you asking me or telling me? I don’t know how to respond when people do this. My wife even got a voicemail for a job interview where the guy was doing it.
“We’d love for you to come in? for an interview? And I look forward to hearing from you?”

Okay….

Something else I have encountered a lot out here on the West Coast is people saying “pacific” in place of “specific.” Let me give an example.

“Well I pacifically remember it being different than what you are saying now.”

Or

“There was a pacific thing I was interested in.”

Since these people aren’t secretly whales, I assume they are, in fact, not discussing the Pacific Ocean. I don’t know how such a stupid mistake got started but it is awful and makes those saying it look like total morons.

Then there’s the power of assholes on the internet. It seems like you can’t go an hour without someone telling you to perform some sort of sexual act on them. Let me tell you a true story, it happened two nights ago.

My wife is sitting next to me, playing World of Warcraft, she gets into a randomly assembled group to go do a dungeon. Upon entering the dungeon, someone remarks “hey guys, there is a mount that drops from the last boss in here if you didn’t know.” Harmless enough right?

“Tell us something we don’t know you fuckin idiot.”

My wife, attempting to intervene, says “maybe you’re being a little harsh, they might be new to the game.”

“Why don’t you stfu and suck my dick!”

It then exploded into four different people telling one another to simultaneously “stfu” while also sucking their dicks. This sort of explosive, irrational anger is only possible thanks to the power of the internet. Where assholes can do and say whatever they want, to whomever they want without repercussions. Sometimes I wish I could kill people with my mind.

Then there’s stupid Facebook updates. Granted I’ve made a few that might be irrelevant, but for the most part I am trying to keep my family and immediate friends informed on what is going on with me. I can tell everyone only once, without having to do it to each individual. Did Brian get his tooth pulled? His Facebook says yes and it went fine. Easy, right? Now you don’t have to call me and ask while I am not paying attention.

But sometimes it just goes a little too far.

“What a delicious breakfast!” (Insert picture of food.) Here’s a newsflash, no one actually cares what you stuff down your gullet. Unless you’re making something especially unique, amazing, or special (like bacon waffles) it isn’t worth updating us on it. Cool story, I give not a fuck that you had a protein shake with some cereal.
“Goodnight everybody!” Wow, awesome. You’re going to sleep, again absolutely no one gives a shit. You’re just doing it in the hopes that the next day 8 people will be like “omg goodnight to you too! Sleep tight and stuff!” so you can feel special. You’re not, people go to sleep all the time and it isn’t a big deal. Just turn your computer off and go cry yourself to sleep already.

Then there’s internet smartguy who uses anecdotal evidence and doesn’t have credible sources to back anything he espouses as truth. Let me show you, the following is a real conversation between myself and someone else.

“I can honestly say that the hardest thing I've ever tried to do is give up drinking soda. The people who know me intimately are aware that I'm a terrible example of diabetic self-care, but not taking my insulin and always drinking soda are two different beasts. Does anyone have any advice for someone who's chronically addicted to caffeine and has little to no willpower?”

There were some helpful responses like:

“If you just need the caffeine and not the sugar, try black coffee.”

“When I was looking for a healthy replacement for my speed fix I found B12. It gives the same 'up' without the crash or negative side effects. At least as long as you eat something first and drink a lot of water..”

But then this asshole comes along:
Brian H. McLelland: Giant jugs of tea, green/chai/normal with aspartame.
Oh wait, that’s me, I meant this asshole:

Idiot Boy: aspartame is evil, man, stay away from that stuff. It's a neurotoxin. Drink SteaZ Energy Drinks. All natural. There's still a little sugar in it and lots of naturally occuring caffiene and vitamins.

Who was then backed up by a second idiot:

Idiot Girl: Aspartame really is super awful. And yes, soda is fucking hard to quit...I'm always "quitting soda". Also, steaz drinks are sooooper yummy! How is cane sugar for diabetes? I tend to gravitate towards beverages that are sweetened with cane sugar and/or honey that I could recommend if those are okay for you to ingest.

Okay, first of all, sugar, whether cane, raw or even honey are all the same. You don’t suggest “all natural cane sugar” to a diabetic, you might as well tell them to drink a jar of high fructose corn syrup. Fucking moron. But I couldn’t let this stand.

Brian H. McLelland: Aspartame is one of the most tested products EVER. It is perfectly safe for consumption. Do not believe the myths espoused by the scientifically ignorant.
Brian H. McLelland: My mother in law is a diabetic, diet sodas sweetened with aspartame or tea with aspartame are perfectly fine to drink with little to no negative impacts on blood sugars.
Also: http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/aspartame.asp
snopes.com: Aspartame -- Sweet Poison?

www.snopes.com

Is aspartame responsible for 'an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and lupus'?

See that? SNOPES, they debunk shit for a LIVING, I’m not talking out of my ass, I have CREDIBLE SOURCES ON MY SIDE.

Idiot Boy: So? Go ahead. Drink all the aspartame you want. There is a REASON there are so many sites up in arms about it. Until you have experienced an aspartame reaction first hand, you will never understand. There was no reason to insult other people's "opinions". I have no need to defend my own beliefs here.
Brian H. McLelland: Beliefs are not science. Instead of saying that you, personally, do not like aspartame, you offered your erroneous “opinion” as a scientific fact when you stated that it is a neurotoxin. I am not saying that you, personally, are ignorant. You are simply repeating information that is incorrect. Not quite so different from people insisting 20 years ago that Mountain Dew is somehow derived from anti-freeze. The information on offer from you is simply false.
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0955286394900329
ScienceDirect - The Journal of Nutritional Biochemistry : Aspartame consumption: lack of effects on.

www.sciencedirect.com

See that? That’s an article from the Journal of Nutritional Biochemistry explaining how aspartame has zero effect on neurological function!

Idiot Boy: (Picture that says “you’re going to have a bad time if you believe everything you read on the internet.”)
Brian H. McLelland: Yes, because the Journal of Nutritional Biochemistry is some quack on an Angelfire free webpage making things up.
"Oh god, logic and reason, quick, resort to internet memes!"
Idiot Boy: I sure hope ___ is getting a kick out of all this, because I'm having a great time. P.S.: An opinion can not be erroneous. That's why it's called an opinion. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opinion
Opinion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

en.wikipedia.org

Hey look, the moron caught on and finally understands you can’t offer your dumbshit asshole opinion as fact without backing it up.

Brian H. McLelland: Debating semantics fails to change the fact that your statement was incorrect, nor does it lend credence to your argument. Please return with something more substantial than anecdotal evidence or internet memes. Also, your comment that "There is a REASON there are so many sites up in arms about it."
Just because many people believe something does not, in any universe, make it true. In order to facilitate evidence to this point I offer EVERY RELIGION IN THE WORLD.

This is my favorite part, where the person, at a loss to defend their stupidness attempts to reach a common ground.

Idiot Boy: Brian, you started out as being rude, condescending, and it did come across as a persona attack, therefore putting me on the defensive. This left me incapable of having a reasonable discussion. Any time emotions enter the fray a debate is immediately doomed, which is why I resorted to memes to lighten the mood for the rest of the poor souls who have been subjected to this pointless debate which you continue to prolong. Several people including myself have had palpable reactions to aspartame, but since it's not been proven by enough "medical science" that it is indeed the aspartame causing a problem, I have to go on what I have personally experienced as my own interpretation of the facts at hand. You clearly place no value in the beliefs, opinions, and personal experiences of others unless verified by an independent source, which, is your right and I commend you for it. By all means, continue to scrutinize the facts, because there is indeed lots of misinformation and propaganda out there, which was the one thing we can actually agree on and my apologies as that was not clearly conveyed in my original retort. One day I truly hope you will be directly shown the scientific proof you need to explain the mysteries of the universe. That's the best I can hope for you. Good luck, and may you one day be touched by his noodly appendages.

Yes, he just equated aspartame to being a mystery of the universe. If the world were run by assholes like this, every bit of anecdotal evidence would be on offer as true. Which means no one could have aspartame because one moron in Florida “had a bad reaction to it!”

I guess I fall into the category of being an asshole on the internet, but I like rhetoric and I love arguing. It's why I've become so fond of Cicero, because he loved that shit too.

(Cicero)

When I say anecdotal evidence I mean someone knew someone who experienced __________. This is not reliable, in court they call it “hearsay.”
So , if there is one thing you take away from this article it should be that you should never believe anything someone has to tell you without checking their source.

“Aspartame is a neurotoxin!”

“Organic food tastes better and is better for you! And it’s better for the environment!”

“I believe it therefore you HAVE to respect my beliefs even if they are wrong!”

All these statements are false. Keep your eyes open, the truth is out there.

Next week: SCIENCE!

Pedophiles don't make things I want.

Pedophiles. I don’t like them. I think child molestation is a heinous act that merits the most severe tortures and punishments. I’m not saying that children should be sheltered from sex. For instance, in the south east a chain of grocery stores, Publix, places plastic covers over the magazines in the checkout isle. Why? Because someone’s child might see some movie star/model’s tits, abs, muscled chest, whatever. We can’t risk having children finding out that people have sex and that they aren’t Immaculate Conception treasures carried down by angels in a giant white sled pulled by storks. But that is another blog, I am getting off track.

Now, in the past I have encountered people who say “oh I don’t care what the artist believes/does; I just like their art/product/stuff.” This isn’t a new concept, in the realm of literary theory, this is based on an idea put forth by Roland Barthes in his essay The Death of the Author. Barthes theorizes that the author should be completely removed from the work that they create. Time of production, authorial intent, authorial meaning, and authorial belief, everything about the author is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what the reader thinks or what meaning the reader derives from the text, Barthes calls this the “Birth of the Reader.”  Literary theory is really dry and complicated but hang in there, I’m going to tie this all together.

I disagree with Barthes to an extent. One of my favorite authors is Clive Barker, who is gay. When I read his work I’m not going, “a GAY dude wrote this, how can I even relate?” It doesn’t ever enter the equation because I don’t care. It doesn’t impact his work at all, he can write a hetero character, a female character, anything, and it isn’t affected by the author’s personal preferences. Lovecraft was racist, doesn’t really bother me either because that wasn’t entirely uncommon in 1930’s New England.

The problem begins when you know someone is a pedophile. Ever seen the film Jeepers Creepers? If you have or haven’t watch this official trailer.

It’s a horror film about a flying demon monster thing that just so happens to also drive a big black rape wagon with a personalized license plate. It has been alive for a long ass time by eating specific parts of teenagers. So in the film, it SMELLS Justin Long and wants to EAT part of him. There are awkward scenes where the demon monster is smelling his face and licking his cheeks. This film is directed by a pedophile. Victor Salva directed Jeepers Creepers and is a convicted child molester. Go Bing it, you can find the information readily available anywhere. Prior to making this film he made another film called Powder. Yes, that Powder. The one where a pale albino (as opposed to tan albinos?) emerges from a cellar and has magic powers. He sees the world differently than everyone else, adults fear and reject him, but the children in the film understand him. He can only relate to young people and/or children and/or molestation bait. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW PEDOPHILES VIEW THE WORLD AND THEMSELVES. It’s only made worse to know the film was distributed by Disney.

On a side note, there is a girl on campus that I saw almost every day last semester who rode a child’s scooter while wearing a panda back pack and a Pikachu hat with multicolored hair poking out. I’m 90% sure she is an FBI agent trolling for pedophiles.

Now that you know Jeepers Creepers was directed by a pedophile, go watch the movie again and prepare to get weirded out. The scene where the Creeper’s lair has naked dead people stitched together all over the ceiling and walls? The scene at the end where a naked Justin Long is strung up by his arms with his eyes eaten out of his head? Fucked up, right?

Here’s another one. I see a lot of people who LOVE Alice in Wonderland. The live action one by Tim Burton, the animated one, the classic novel, makes no difference. Alice in Wonderland shit is EVERYWHERE. I was in Barnes and Noble not long ago browsing books, they have this really bad ass Classics Collection series they have started doing. It’s a leather bound, high quality copy of literary classics. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Jurassic Park/Lost World. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Jane Austen. Dracula. Frankenstein. But I noticed there was also one for Alice in Wonderland, brightly colored and sitting on a table remarkably close to the young adult section and the spot where they were was the one most depleted which means lots of people were buying it with its hot pink cover and crazy designs.

The problem, for me at least, arises from the fact that LEWIS CARROLL WAS A PEDOPHILE. Don’t believe me? Read his Wikipedia page here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewis_Carroll
Now the thing that is most readily available on that page is controversy. Nearly everything asserted about him are steeped in bitter controversy, primarily due to the fact that family members are fighting to disprove these things. After all who wants to be related to a pedophile? Even without conclusive evidence a few compelling facts remain:

Alice in Wonderland was written for a young girl, named Alice, who Carroll (Dodgson) had an affinity for.

He asked the girl’s family to take pictures of her nude. (This was a common practice at the time… FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS.)

Carroll’s personal diary has missing entries, removed by a person.

Also, here is a picture of Alice Liddell taken BY Carroll (Dodgson).

(Courtesy of wikipedia)

Now, some scholars dispute these claims, but the very fact that there is something to dispute speaks volumes. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Here’s another one, Gary Glitter. Don’t know the name? You probably know this:

It was featured pretty largely in Disney’s The Mighty Ducks, you know, that movie about YOUNG KIDS playing hockey. Glitter was arrested for making child pornography. He also frequented Cambodia and Thailand, two places famous for child prostitution. Kind of ruins the song, doesn’t it?

Jeffrey Jones is famous for his roles in Ferris Bueler’s Day Off, Beetlejuice, Sleepy Hollow and other films.

In 2002 he was arrested for soliciting a 14 year old boy to pose nude for sexually explicit photos.

There are others but this is kind of spiraling into a downer. Ultimately what I am saying is that I don’t want to purchase or consume anything written or created by a pedophile. In my mind the work is tainted.

It’s like tuna, when I buy tuna I make sure the can says “Dolphin Safe” because then I know there’s no dolphin in there. When I buy a book, a movie, an album, or a painting I want to know it is pedophile safe. Oh this book was written by someone who doesn’t rape kids, this is a good purchase and I am happy for my money to go towards supporting this person.

This blog was going to be funny, but I can’t really make this topic amusing. See you guys next week for something lighter.