First off, there was “Tandi.” She believed that everytime
you said the word “faggot” or used “gay” in a derogatory manner that somewhere,
a gay person would feel it and be ashamed of being gay and/or a hate crime
would happen.
She insisted that supporting Microsoft was wrong because
Bill Gates uses the money to support anti-gay agendas and that is why she only
buys Apple products since Steve Jobs is a closet homosexual who doesn’t come
out because Apple stocks would drop.
She also recounted the tales of how she used to be a heroin
addict, was once molested by the cops, kicked her drug habit, relapsed and sold
her mother’s wedding ring, and then got clean again. All before the age of 17
while living in a miniscule tiny town in backwoods Utah. She also claimed
relation to Steve Martin.
"I LOVE heroin!"
After our relationship ended she told me that she had a
brain tumor and that she would likely die within 12 months. Obviously, that
never happened.
Then there was “Tara.” The first warning sign to me was the
day we were chatting on the phone, I was playing Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
and pretending to listen as she blathered on about being bipolar. This was pretty much the norm. “Vampires,
metal, blood, blahblahblahblahblah.” While I beat Soul Reaver again.
Until the fateful night that she calmly explained to me, in
that glossy-eyed lunatic voice where you know
the person believes it, that at birth her FANGS were filed down. Furthermore,
that it is a common practice for doctor’s to file down excessively large
canines on babies. She went on to explain that when she drinks blood, her own
being the only source available, she feels healthier and more revitalized.
Okay, whatever. I’ll roll with this. Dating someone crazy
makes it wild and exciting or something I guess. So, I’ll continue to put up
with this and let her be my special lady. My special crazy lady.
Not long after the “I’m a vampire” plot twist, the other
shoe dropped. Once again, the authentic “I believe every word of this” voice
came out of her fangless hole to tell me that she could make it rain whenever
she wanted it to. Seriously. She said that the weather reflected her mood, when
she was happy it was cloudy out (vampires hate the sun, dummy), and when upset
it rained. If she felt like rain she just concentrated and it happened. Why she wasn’t working as a meteorologist, the
world may never know.
I worked hard on this image.
How was this amazing feat possible? Are these new and
unknown vampire powers even gayer than anything Stephanie Meyer could create?
Don’t be absurd. Obviously, she’s part fairy. (I’d like to remind you that this
took place before the rise of True Blood.) You see, fairies, or fae people,
live amongst us like normal people now, but their bloodline sometimes causes
certain powers to manifest. Her parents were good at predicting things, but
Tara was able to alter the weather as well as read minds. Amazingly, as she
told me this she said “I know that you’re thinking I’m crazy right now.”
Astonishing! How could she possibly even know
that unless it was true?
I asked the obvious question anyone else would when
confronted by this situation.
“Does being a vampire conflict with your fairy instincts?”
She explained that the thirst for blood is really just a
thirst for LIFE, which is what fairies love anyway. Nature and life and shit.
Shortly after, I calmly explained to her in my “I believe
this” voice that we weren’t meant for each other. “Things aren’t working out
between us, you’re obviously crazy and I’m pretty much not so I don’t think we
should see each other anymore.”
That’s it for this week, short and sweet. Next week’s blog
is about children (not in a gross way)!
