Last time we talked about Total Recall which has a nice hard R rating and it got me thinking about movie ratings and how watered down everything has become. I won’t attempt to document the sordid rise of the MPAA, that is better left to the documentary “This Film Is Not Yet Rated” which is readily available on Netflix and an interesting watch. Yet, I will point out some of the glaring inconsistencies and just how much it has changed.

This summer saw the release of two really good R rated films in Prometheus and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, both are excellent movies but what was surprising was what made them be R rated to begin with. Prometheus featured no sex, no foul language, not even excessive gore, it was rated R based upon one scene where the female heroine undergoes self surgery. It is brutal to watch to be sure, but is it any more brutal than what Hugh Jackman endures in the Wolverine film of a few years ago that netted a PG-13? On a brief side rant, the female heroine of Prometheus undergoing a surgery and then going on to do a lot of other shit is something I found incredibly compelling. In a world full of movies where men do all sorts of crazy shit to themselves and then “tough it out” this was a refreshing change, shame on anyone who complained that it was unbelievable for being a woman doing the same thing.

Anyhow, another example is that the first Lord of the Rings film, Fellowship of the Ring, upon first screening was rated R! However, after some editing it came down to PG-13, but when Jackson released his Extended Edition, which was in fact the R rated cut of the film, it was still PG-13. Hm, it’s almost like insane amounts of money can sway any decision.

Then a few years ago Spielberg “stepped in” to make sure Transformers got a PG-13 instead of an R according to this article: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1648436/labeouf_says_mpaa_not_the_boss_of_spielberg_andquottransformersandquot_avoids_r_rating/

But what is so bad about R ratings? I am an adult and I like adult entertainment. Aside from shitty reality TV shows what are some of the most popular shows that you and your adult friends discuss? Well, let’s see: Dexter, Games of Thrones, True Blood, The Borgias, Spartacus, The Wire, Boardwalk Empire, Weeds, Sopranos, etc. Plenty of premium channel shows that feature plenty of sex, violence and vulgarity.

The MPAA morons and movie studios have come to believe that PG-13 means instant success just because dipshit teenagers can get into the films, but consider now this list of fucking AWESOME films that were rated R that we’re all still talking about and watching AND all made retard strength amounts of money:

The Matrix (Fucking ALL of them)

Saving Private Ryan

300

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Slumdog Millionare (Won tons of awards)

The Rock

Troy

The Godfather Trilogy

Blair Witch Project (I know, right? YOU SEE NOTHING.)

American Beauty

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Pulp Fiction

The list goes on and on and can is available for your viewing pleasure right here: http://www.boxofficemojo.com/alltime/domestic/mpaa.htm?page=R&p=.htm

Look at the Die Hard films, the first, second and third films were all Rated R and totally awesome. The last one was PG-13 and fucking terrible. I could link some relevant information right here to backup my argument that shows how the first three films earned more money and received higher critic reviews but if you’ve seen the films you already know this shit. So instead I’ll show you this youtube video of random Die Hard bits that someone edited together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVaAI9mc4R8

This is still back in the day where you could fucking smoke the bad guy and laugh about it.

Sure, PG and PG-13 still has its place, there are plenty of good PG-13 movies with oddly R rated material in them (Milla Jovovich’s bare “breasts” in The Fifth Element for example). (You know why “breasts” is in quotations, don’t lie.) Titanic comes to mind as well, not only do you see Kate Winslet nude but Billy Zane also slaps the taste out of her mouth.

But, turn your volume up and  check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmLP0QQPqFw

The best part is where Bruce mouth-hugs Quint so hard you hear his bones crack and blood comes gurgling out of his mouth.  Jaws was and still is rated PG. It’s broadcasted almost every single fucking holiday in the US on television, which is why when I think back to holidays spent with my family I usually think of eating Thanksgiving dinner or Fourth of July hot dogs while Quint gets fucking eaten alive and Bruce devours people. "Remember that Labor Day weekend that we went and ______?" Nope! But I can sing all the words to "Show Me The Way To Go Home" and I can tell you that we're going to need a bigger boat.

 On a side note, you know you’re part of the Jaws Generation when the thought of being in the ocean in the water makes you want to throw up. Not sure if you are part of the Jaws Generation that has an illogically debilitating fear of sharks? Go swim in a pool at night with the lights in the pool off and let me know if you’re totally fine doing that. If not, you probably saw Jaws as a kid.

Also, when I went to look up the scene of Quint I stumbled over this youtube gem that someone decided to make that is nearly as obscure as the Total Recall/David Bowie video of last week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjgDzzJebwQ

Some dude was listening to his shitty metal band and browsing his DVDs when suddenly it hit him: “Holy shit bro, as soon as I finish this Modern Warfare map I’m going to edit in some metal over Quint getting eaten in Jaws. That scene is so extreme I’m popping a Broner™ in my pants right now, after I make the video I’ll have to fistbump my Broner™ over how sweet this shit is.”

Well, that’s what I got for this week folks, see you next week when I discuss something interesting.

Total Old Man Recall

It finally happened. I woke up old. Enough time has passed in my life that I can say things like “15 years ago they’d never put this in a movie!” and “Movies just aren’t what they used to be." I can say things like that about virtually anything, but today I want to talk to you about movies and a few things I’ve noticed.

Let me set the scene for this revelation. There I am, relaxing on my bed with my wife and my dog, a few days prior while browsing recently released movies on Xbox we saw the Total Recall remake had just come out. Christiana (my wife) was unsure if she had seen the original or not. Even after pantomiming the guy’s gross mutant chest baby with its icky articulate hands going “Quaaaaaaid, open your miiiiiiind!” it still wasn’t ringing any bells. So we got it and fired it up. It was during this film that it really struck me how much movies have changed since I was a kid.

First of all, it was released in 1990 and was directed by Paul Verhoeven and stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone and Michael Ironside.  Verhoeven went on to do the B-Movie masterpiece that is Starship Troopers, Stone went on to expose her vulva to millions of moviegoers, Schwarzenegger became a governor and Ironside was the 2^nd best Captain of the Seaquest for a few seasons before he became Sam Fisher in the Splinter Cell series.

Now, 1990 doesn’t seem THAT long ago, to me anyway but like I said at the start I am old now. A few scenes stand out because of how outlandish they seem to me now. First off, the film is rated R. This was back in the day when R rated films actually came out in theaters without a ton of complaints from the movie studio. The reason for this R rating is a scene featuring a mutant prostitute with three breasts, lots of violence, and lots of profanity. And I don’t mean the villain or supporting cast kind. I mean the protagonist of the film responds to snarky comments from the film’s arch villain by saying “fuck you.” Those were the days.

There are obvious things wrong with the film, cheesy acting, bad fight scenes and the like, but what really grabbed me was a scene in which Sharon Stone’s character, who was pretending to be Quaid’s (Schwarzenegger) wife confronts him on Mars. She is an evil bitch now and after Quaid’s new girl pulls her hair and throws her around a bunch, she finds herself staring down the barrel of Quaid’s crappy looking futuristic pistol. She makes one last appeal to his sensibilities before the hero of the film executes an unarmed and defeated woman. Wait, it gets better.

See, this was back in the day when movie protagonists were dicks and everybody loved it. After executing his wife he quips “consider this a divorce!” Audiences in 1990 might have chuckled, cried or pissed their pants from that knee slapper, but nowadays killing your wife in a movie seems to be a really, really bad thing. It got me thinking, when was the last time I saw a guy shoot his wife in a movie and it was a good thing? I can’t really recall. (GET IT? I CAN’T RECALL.)

But it isn’t just this isolated case, there is an overtly racist black cab driver that turns out to be A. an asshole, B. a lying traitor and C. a mutant. All of these things in one black character are a little much, but he gets his when Quaid drives a futuristic drill into him while screaming “screw you!” Puns! Heyoo!

This was also the time when villains weren’t just villains, but they were total assholes that had to suffer and the audience wanted to see it happen. Throughout the film Michael Ironside is running around being his usual bad ass self and doing awesome things like casually strolling up and kneeing people over while they are checking the welfare of others. (I couldn’t find a clip of this scene on youtube but I assure you, it is worth watching the film for.) Later, Ironside’s character, Richter, and his boss are rubbing it in Quaid’s face about how they are going to wipe his mind and turn him back into a bad dude so they can have a party later that night where they don’t have sex with Sharon Stone. (Apparently someone shot her in the head or something.)  Just wait, this is relevant in a second. So he breaks free and sets off to do some heroic shit that Cohagen, Ironside’s boss and main villain, doesn’t want him to do. Ironside and Arnold have a fight on an elevator, after a little tumbling around Ironside ends up dangling over the side. But our hero notices that there is a ceiling approaching and pulls Ironside back up onto the elevator just enough for his arms to be cut off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URucvvcuItE (Skip to 2:30)

After having his arms severed he presumably falls to a gruesome death. Arnold throws his arms after him and yells “See you at the party, Richter!” Comedy gold, right?

Some other stuff happens and then the main villain of the film is hanging on for his life, after getting shot 5-6 times, because he doesn’t want to be sucked out on to the surface of Mars. You see, when you end up on the surface of Mars your face bulges and your eyes pop out of your head, it’s horrible to watch and I’d imagine pretty shitty to go through. So Quaid, our asshole hero, is also trying to avoid eyeball sucking out is pulling himself along to reach the final alien contraption that saves the day... but not before he makes a brief stop to grab Cohagen’s hand and pull it off the perch he had found so that he gets sucked out. The camera follows Cohagen’s journey down a tunnel and out onto the surface of Mars where we get to watch his eyes begin to bulge. The action goes back to Arnold, reaching and straining for the iconic THING that will save everyone, almost there… yay he reached it! The machine rumbles to life and the process of saving everyone begins very slowly, but wait… remember that asshole villain? Let’s see how he is fairing. Yes, the film cuts BACK to Cohagen getting his eyes sucked out, he is looking worse now and screaming a whole bunch. It’s pretty awesome. Then it goes back to show the oxygen being released that will save everyone, but oh no, Quaid and his accomplice-mistress get sucked out too. We see them falling onto the surface and oh no, eye bulging and sucking time for them!

But first, let’s just check in one final time with Cohagen, in case you forgot, he’s an asshole that got shot and then thrown to one of the worst possible deaths anyone could have in a movie about space.

For reference, here is a clip of the scene from someone who found it funny to dub in David Bowie’s “Life on Mars.” Hilarious… I guess. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9aggVa_Js8

His eyes full on explode out of his head and all sorts of over the top details are thrown in. Nowadays, most of the time when the villain is about to die gruesome death #593 the hero will either A. try to save them or B. look away disgusted. You know what I am talking about; the villain is screaming bloody murder and the hero turns away repulsed. “ugh god, I can’t watch this, it’s SO icky, ugh jesus…. Hngh…. Hngh…. Hngh…” (Hngh is the international spelling for “dry heave.”)

I don’t mean to pick on Total Recall so much; I like the movie despite all the stupid things in it. (Like the scene where Ironside jumps out of a glass window that is approximately one foot from a swinging door.)

But it brings me to another point, movie ratings! First of all, well, perhaps that is enough for this week’s blog. Next week I’ll tackle movie ratings and go over some that just might shock you. See you then!